Hissy Fits, Haircuts and Honouring My Soul by Uttampreet Kaur

​I am a lover of projects.  Learning things and doing things.  Always “up to” something.  To the amusement and sometimes dismay of the people I love in varying degrees.
My projects always start off with the best intentions, usually self-improvement, often to sate my curious appetite and ALWAYS ambitious, because life is for living you know.  I’m making an experience. Ahhh.  How nice.
For a while now I’ve been juggling a couple of projects:

1. The clearly defined and genuine Gratitude Project
2. Treading water – this one is fuzzier in nature, less pleasant, and well, honestly, it sucks!

So these two have been keeping me extraordinarily busy, especially of late; because besides being a bona fide list-maker, I’m also a “yes’r – in my world that is someone who never says “no”, you’ll know the type: “Of course I’ll cover your holiday, don’t worry, have a nice time!” “Yep, I can totally make the meeting, directly after work, oh yes and pick up that thing from that place…” “… uh huh, yeah, of course I’ll mind your little darling!” Why do I do this?  My theory is that growing up I was always told to be nice, and afraid of hurting people’s feelings and being seen as lazy, or uncooperative or unkind, or well, whatever the opposite of nice is.  Of course this is no good.  And for a while, in the midst of my teacher training I realised this, and started growing up a little, so to speak, and worrying a bit less.  I became strong and bright, and known for being cheerful and “uplifting” (by the way, you’re reading this because a friend invited me to write a blog for our Kundalini Yoga Yorkshire website – because “you always share lovely things” and truthfully I was delighted to say YES! And honoured… but that was four weeks ago, and I’m still on the third paragraph… hmmm, shameful!)
But what does all of this have to do with yoga or anything for that matter? Simply, this:
I have become really busy, saying yes to everyone and everything; except to myself.  I have been so busy working hard at making others happy that I have neglected my heart and my soul, because I have neglected my Sadhana.  It’s true, it is extremely difficult to do anything other than work, when work has one stuck in a windowless office for eighty hours over a ten day period… but my question to myself is: “Why are you doing this?  Why do you say yes to things that make you sad, and ill, and so frustrated and off-course that you do silly things like not eating, not doing Sadhana, not enjoying your family… chopping off all of your hair?” Why?
Because it looked like the right thing to do.  Because I listened to people who are not like me; who do not share my values; who do not understand that there is more to life than running around in circles for more stuff.  I know we all need to do what needs doing, but I also know that there is more to life than this… so I’ve been treading water, trying all the conventional ways for keeping ‘up’, but in my heart of heart’s I knew it was bringing me down; so I said, “OK, this is hard, but I’ll count my blessings, and every day make note of one thing, just one, for which I am grateful.  I’ll take a picture and share it with the world” – more pressure of course, downloading and uploading when I’m already sick of screens, and after a while, even that became hard to do; because what I longed for was to hold my daughter close and read stories, walk in the woods, have supper with my husband, chant and meditate and dance… but my energy was so low, my body so tired and my head hurt with stress and worry.  Am I good enough, am I making all these people happy, why am I not making them happy, what is wrong with me?
I am ill today.  Four months of running around chasing someone else’s dream has left me spent and exhausted.  I’ve had to cancel my classes today.  This is a new low for me.  I never cancel my classes… so I become still, I sit quietly and I listen.  I listen for an answer.  I listen for my breath.  I allow my head to stop spinning.  I tune in.  Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo. I allow myself to cry.  It’s OK baby.  It’s OK.  I’m here, I’m still here.  Remember your name?  Do you remember? Yes… I am Uttampreet Kaur.  I am not alone. And I’ve got things to do…
So I have my cold shower, somehow familiar. And I dress all in white.  And I tie up these wispy bits as best I can, and I cry some more.  Because I remember that face, I remember that voice, I remember the peace I feel when I sing the song of my soul. I remember how good it feels to be with the people I love, and the friends I have made in Edinburgh and Mexborough, I remember that I have a teacher who has faith in me, and I remember I have a promise to keep.
 Chattra Chakkra Vartee, Chattra Chakkra Bhugatay, Suyambhav Subhang Sarab Daa Saraab Jugatay.
Dukaalan Pranasee, Diaalang Saroopay, Sadaa Ang Sangay, Abhangang Bibhutaay
I have a new project.  I have to get my house in order.  And I’ll sing as I go, sort out, discard that which no longer serves, and hold dearly that which sparks joy… be brave Uttampreet, and be brave yoga-pals, every day is not forced to be easy, but keeping up with what we know works best for us – means we are “kept up” as well… I leave you with this quote from Yogi Bhajan:
“There are a lot of things we need: One of these needs is that for the mind to work for you for the whole day, it must be fresh and clear; it must be made livable. That is why it is a requirement to rise early in the morning when nobody can disturb you, when you can be yourself. ”
Anyone for Sadhana at my place?  Everyone’s welcome, because you know, even lighthouses need their bulbs replacing sometime.
Sat Nam x