Those of you who have read the first instalment of my chronicles of self-discovery (aka my first blog post to this lovely page) may recall rather a large tantrum followed by an epiphany. Now that’s all good and well but without action being taken it would all have been a little redundant, so being well intentioned, and very determined, a serious commitment to Sadhana commenced… and plenty of meditation… and yes, you’ve guessed it, a frightening amount of change.
So, I’ve re-committed to my practice (yay right), left an unhealthy work situation (cue anxiety – bills to pay after all), started teaching a bit more… and… here comes a big one, I’ve decided to tackle an issue or a few intertwined issues surrounding my own sense of “worthiness”.
Why? Well, these few months of meditation, and work and thinking has allowed me to make rather a startling discovery… It seems that all that running round, working hard, earning and still experiencing lack, has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of work I’m doing, or how much I earn per hour, or in fact anything seeming even remotely relevant. Folks, I have reason to believe the ‘problem’ here is Me, and my deep rooted fear of responsibility, abundance and dare I say this, greatness…
And something else resonates here. A few months ago I was complaining bitterly to my dear teacher HHJ about various things, (I’ll not bore you with the details), and she said to me, in her matter of fact, no big whoop sort of way: “You need to be the Queen in your house”… smile; nod, OK, Whatever…
But suddenly it all became clear… like two days ago (I’m clever in many ways but sometimes when it counts I obviously need a bit more time). I do need to be the Queen in my own house! I need to own up and by golly, I need to be grateful!
Of course this is about me, my actions and personal projection, but it’s also a bit more down to earth… Let me explain. My home, the building I live in is large and imposing and really rather beautiful, it’s been in my husband’s family for generations and ‘the expected thing’ to do after our daughter was born was to move in. This lead to tears, arguments and unbelievable resistance on my part and for all this time I refused to make it my home. So I would cook and clean and tidy, but I never actually ‘moved in’ and that lack of commitment spilled out into other areas of my life, the lack of gratitude affected my relationships and my outlook and, on the whole, good intentions aside… everything was still a bit of a muddle.
Two days ago, I woke up to Sadhana on a grey, damp sort of a day; and a different sort of a feeling, a push in the right direction one might say. And I really did start getting my house in order! Presently I’m up to my elbows in sticky icky bits of damp wallpaper and funny bits of lime plaster… but to my great joy made a very surprising discovery! Beneath FOUR layers of wallpaper ranging in varying degrees of hideousness, there they were – Mickey or Steamboat Willie as he was known then, and Rupert Bear, paddling big waves in tiny little wooden canoes… a mural created about sixty years ago by a GI named George for the children of family friends… I bet he never guessed back then that a little project to make three kids smile (they affectionately go by Grandad James and Uncle Roger and Aunty Mary now) would bring so much joy to a determined yogini in 2016.
This little experienced, tied in with all the others, reminded me of something very precious. No matter the gunk, the dirt, the lifetime of poor education and lack of self-worth, with a bit of hard work, an open heart, and a prayer on our lips of thanks and love we can all find the beauty that is right there at the core, that something which makes our inner child leap for joy, and none of the other stuff matters.
I’m still working hard, and gratefully so, but my wish for you is this: May you see that beautiful longtime sun as it shines upon you, May you feel all the love of the Universe surrounding you, and that pure light within you, May you embrace it, give thanks for it, allow it to become part of you, until you are Home.